


Horatio's Confession

by dragonwriter24cmf



Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Angst, Confessional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Protectiveness, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:32:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22177096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonwriter24cmf/pseuds/dragonwriter24cmf
Summary: When Eric spots Stetler tailing Horatio, it seems only natural that he and Calleigh follow, to watch Horatio's back. But things are more complicated than they appear. When one member of the team hears a confession not meant for their ears, what will they do?
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Horatio's Confession

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All characters belong to the creators of CSI: Miami

**Horatio's Confession**

Calliegh sighed, brushing her long blond hair out of her face. It had been a long day. A double homicide. The murder itself hadn't been that complicated to figure out, but the suspect had been from a rough part of town. It had taken forever to track him, an on-foot search to close in on him, and in the end, he'd chosen suicide by cop. He'd drawn his gun on Horatio, but pointed it at Eric. Horatio could be steadfast and utterly immovable with a gun aimed at his own body, but pointing it at one of his team was a death sentence. When the man had moved to pull the trigger, Horatio had fired without hesitation, firing two shots into the man's chest in the blink of an eye.

Calliegh sighed again, looking up at the lowering sun in the sky. She knew the whole thing had affected Horatio. He wasn't at all hesitant about shooting when he had to, but she knew he didn't like it. He always had such a peculiar reaction when something like this happened. He seemed to withdraw from everything around him, but she'd never discovered why, or what he did. She knew every CSI had their own way of coping, but in ten years she'd never discovered his. She only knew that he drew away, to someplace inside himself, and came back a day or two later.

She shook her head, trying to force the thoughts out of her mind. What Horatio did was Horatio's business. She didn't have the right to poke her nose into his affairs, much as she wanted to. As a CSI, she'd been cursed with insatiable curiosity. She shook her head again, looking around the nearly empty parking lot for something to distract her attention.

To her surprise, Eric was sitting in his car, a little distance off. He'd moved it to another space, much further down, and was sitting at the wheel. He appeared to be watching the door, though he was fiddling with something on his dash, to make it look casual. The oddness of his focus, combined with the fact that she'd thought he'd gone home much earlier, was too much for her to ignore. She turned and started to the car, taking a direct approach.

Eric looked up from his fidgeting, saw her, and blinked. Then he turned his attention to the front panel again, and she heard the engine purr to life. By the time she made it to his side, he'd rolled down the window and was looking up at her, a solemn expression on his face. "Calliegh."

"Hey there. You know, I thought you went home a while ago. I mean, it was a pretty rough day and everything. What are you still doing here?" She gave him a small smile, to let him know it was a friendly request for information.

He returned her smile, then his gaze cut over her shoulder for a brief second, before returning to her. "I'm waiting."

She blinked. That was odd as well. She was also aware of how it looked, for her to be standing there talking to him. She looked at the interior of his vehicle. It looked relatively clean. "Can I join you?"

He grinned again. "Yeah, sure." He gestured to the other seat. "Go ahead."

Calliegh came around, settled herself into the passenger seat. "So, what exactly are we waiting for?"

"I'm waiting for H. He hasn't left yet." Eric gestured to the familiar vehicle parked beside the Hummers.

Calliegh's eyebrow went up. "You know, if you need to talk to him, you could just do it inside the lab. You don't need to wait outside. Unless, there's something else going on." She turned to look at him, caught the slight twitch in his face. "What's this about Eric? I mean...is there something in specific, or is there something you want to know, or...what is it?"

Eric sighed. "It's not H. I mean, it is, but it isn't. It's just...I'm worried about him. Today, that case..."

Calliegh sighed. "I know. I was just thinking about it. He shot that guy, right?"

"Yeah, to protect me." Eric sighed again. "You know how H is about this sort of thing."

"I know. But he's always managed to cope before. I mean, I've never figured out what it is he does, but...he does seem to recover. Eric, if that's what you're worried about, maybe it's just best to leave him alone." She started to say something else, but Eric held up a hand, turning to catch her gaze before pointing at the building.

A familiar red-haired figure clad in black had emerged from the doors. Horatio stopped, looking around him, then up at the sun. Even at that distance, Calliegh could read tension in him, though she was too far away to read his expression. Then he seemed to shake himself, mentally, and snapped his glasses into place, turning towards his car. Within moments, he'd dropped into the drivers seat, and the car lit up.

Calliegh blinked. It all seemed normal enough. "Eric..."

"Wait a moment." Eric held up a hand, then pointed. "There. That's it."

Calliegh looked back. A familiar, lean form was striding quickly out of the building. "That's Stetler."

"Yeah. Watch him." The two of them watched as the dark-haired IAB agent moved to his car. It was almost immediately apparent to Calliegh that the man was watching something else as he moved to his car and opened the door. She tracked his line of sight, and felt a trickle of unease. Horatio's car, which was backing out of his assigned space. Within moments, Horatio was turning towards the parking lot exit. Seconds later, Rick's car followed him. Eric made a face. "That's it. Buckle up." His own car hummed louder as he threw it into reverse.

Calliegh snapped the seat belt in place as he backed out, then pulled around, following the other car. She watched for a few moments, as Eric pulled into what was obviously a tailing position behind Stetler's car. Then she looked at her fellow CSI. "What's going on?"

"Look." Eric pointed, indicating a position beyond Stetler's car. Calliegh followed his gesture, then blinked. "See it?"

"That's Horatio's car." She glanced at the Cuban. "You think he's following Horatio?"

"Yeah. I do." Eric kept his eyes on the road, but he spoke softly. "I noticed it, a little while back. Stetler started looking into H. I don't know why, but he's been paying a lot of attention to everything H does."

Calliegh frowned. "Well, he is IAB. That is his job. But it's odd. I didn't think Horatio had done anything to warrant that kind of attention. I mean, he was in an officer involved shooting, and there's been a few incidents, but...this kind of attention isn't usually warranted. And he should have given Horatio official notice."

"I know." Eric sighed. "I did a little checking, off the record. I know IAB was really interested in Horatio after Speed died, because he wouldn't go to department counseling. I checked the records, and he did refuse, but he claimed he had independent help. And he came up clean in eval."

Calliegh frowned. "You looked into his records? Eric..."

"I know. It's a rude thing to do, and it's borderline illegal."

"More than borderline." Calleigh sighed. There was no point in hassling him about it now. "So...what did you find?"

"Well, H was investigated about that, but when he came up clean, the department dropped it. But...it looks like Stetler didn't. I traced his movements, partially, and he's been looking into all sorts of stuff. He even dug into H's background in New York, but I don't know what he got." Eric shook his head. "I couldn't figure out what he wanted, but then I noticed...whenever we get a weird case, or a tough one like today, he follows him. So I decided that I'd follow him. I still don't know what Stetler's up to, but H deserves to know he's being tailed. And I think he has the right to find out when we can catch this guy red-handed, so he can ask about it himself."

"You've got a point." Calliegh sighed. "Horatio and Stetler have always been at odds. Do you think it's possible Rick's trying to find off the job evidence or something that could get Horatio into trouble? Blackmail material, or maybe something he could take to IAB?"

"That's exactly what I think is happening." Eric's jaw tightened. "Whatever he's after though, I'm not going to let him do this to H. At the very least, it's an invasion of privacy."

Calliegh raised an eyebrow. "You do realize that, by checking into this, you've also invaded Horatio's privacy."

Eric's hands tightened on the wheel. "I know. And when we tell him, I'll apologize. But...I hope he'll at least know that I wasn't trying to hurt him."

Calliegh reached over and patted his arm comfortingly. "I'm sure he will." She looked up. They'd gone a fair way out of the city. In fact, they were passing in front of a cemetery. As they watched, Horatio's car pulled in, Rick's pulled away, then turned a few seconds later into a different entrance. It was a classic trick for a following car trying not to get spotted arriving at a destination after the mark. She frowned. "Looks like we're here." She took another look. "This place really looks familiar."

"It is. This is the church where they had that one shooting. The guy who hid in the coffin. One of our first Mala Noche cases." Eric frowned again, circling the cemetery to find a different gate.

"Oh yeah. I remember that. That was the one where we found out Horatio was green-lit." Calliegh frowned, pulling the case details out of her mind. "I remember. Horatio was first on scene here, right?"

"Yeah." Eric nodded as he found the back entrance and pulled in.

Calliegh nodded. "Let's see...I took that statement from him. He said he was here on personal business, but he came out to the cemetery when he heard the gunfire. He was too late to stop the shooter, but he hit the car." She looked around. "So...the question is, what was he doing here? And why come back? Do you think he has family buried here?"

"Could be. I don't really know, but I don't think so. Besides...you just said it. Horatio said he came out _to_ the cemetery. He wouldn't have said that if that hadn't been what he meant. So he wasn't on the grounds." He pulled in and parked. "He had to have been somewhere in there." He gestured.

Calliegh frowned at the moderately sized stone building in front of them. "You think he was in the church for some reason?" She glanced at her partner. "What church is this? Do you know the denomination?"

"Yeah. It's Catholic. It's not my church, but everyone knows all the churches locally, and this is one of them." He glanced up at the stone building. "It's an active parish. In fact, I heard the New York cardinal came down here once." He frowned thoughtfully. "Actually, that was around the same time as that case."

"And Horatio is from New York, or at least, he worked there." Calliegh blinked. "Is Horatio a Catholic, Eric?"

"I wouldn't know. That's not something we discussed." Eric shook his head. "I just don't know, Calliegh."

"Well, neither to I, but if he is, then it would make sense that he might be here when the New York cardinal was here, especially if there's a chance he was originally in the man's congregation, right?"

"Yeah. It's possible. It's really possible, actually. It's what I would do." Eric was looking around. "You know, this is the first time I've ever actually followed H to his destination, but I think I've driven by here before. More than once, maybe."

"Well, maybe this is Horatio's church. Come on." Calliegh unsnapped the door lock, then stepped out. "We aren't going to find any answers here. If Horatio's here and Stetler followed him in, then there's no telling what's going on."

"Right." Eric ducked out of the driver's seat, then locked the car. "Let's go."

They circled the building. Stetler's car was pulled up a few spaces away from Horatio's. The door to the building was ajar. Calliegh and Eric shared a look, then ducked to one side. Eric took a cautious look through the door, then motioned her to look as well. The IAB sergeant was standing against the wall of the sanctuary, apparently frowning at something at the front of the room.

Calliegh dropped her voice to a low whisper. "You think Horatio is in there?"

"I'd bet money on it. But I can't tell where." Eric was frowning at Stetler's profile.

"So, how do you want to handle this? Should we wait and see if he comes back outside, or what?" Calliegh frowned.

Eric met her gaze, his own stormy. "No. I think I've got a better idea." He moved forward, then stepped through the door and grabbed Stetler's arm in a solid grip and pulled. The IAB agent had no time to protest before he hauled him through the door and shut it behind them both with a kick. He let go, then shoved the other man against the wall. "I think you have some explaining to do."

"Hey. Assault on an officer is illegal Delko, even if you're technically on the force." Rick glared at the younger man as he straightened his suit.

"Yeah, well so's invasion of privacy, but I can tell you don't have any problems with that." Eric returned the glare. "I've been watching you. You've been tailing H for over a month, following him around, digging into his background. What is it? You can't get him at work so you're trying to find something outside it to charge him with? You looking for blackmail material? Cause I'm not gonna let you do this to him."

"That's what this is about?" Stetler's eyebrow went up. "You think I'm following Horatio around, trying to get blackmail material on him?"

"Are you saying you aren't?" Calliegh met his gaze. "We know Horatio's challenged you several times, and you've never managed to trip him up on anything. It's gotta grate a little, especially with the relationship the two of you have. I mean, you're not exactly friends or anything. It's a well known fact in the department that the two of you have been unfriendly rivals for years."

"Yeah, well, that's between us. And this..." Stetler's gaze flicked to the door of the chapel. "This ain't about that."

"Then what is it about? Why follow him?" Eric didn't appear ready to let up on the other man. "You keep saying it's not about rivalry, so what is it about?"

"I can't say." Stetler shook his head, throwing up his hands in a non-threat gesture of surrender as Eric took a step closer. He met the younger man's eyes. "Tell me, how much do you really know about Horatio?"

"Enough to know that whatever he's doing outside the office is his business, not ours. Unless you have proof that he's committing a felony." Eric's jaw tensed.

Rick snorted. "So what you're saying is, you know nothing about him, outside the office. Doesn't that strike you as odd?" His hard eyes flickered back and forth between the two of them. "You don't know where he likes to eat, what he does as a hobby. Hell, do you even know what kind of coffee he likes?"

"No, I personally don't, but I know who does." Calliegh smiled tightly. "He goes out with Tripp sometimes, and I know when they go to a bar, Horatio usually orders something non-alcoholic, like coffee or club soda."

"He goes out with Frank Tripp sometimes. Do you know anything besides that?" Stetler must have seen the hesitation on both their faces. "Have you ever even heard of him having a social life outside of work? Does the man even know anyone he didn't meet in the police office first?" Rick snorted again. "I mean, come on you two. When was the last time you even heard of him having a date with someone who wasn't a former suspect or a member of the system?"

Calliegh and Eric traded glances. "Does it matter?"

"Of course it does." Rick looked exasperated. "Think about it. Delko, you go clubbing, and I'll bet you have a ton of friends on that phone of yours. I'd also bet less than half of them are from PD. Dusquene...I'll bet you have your own social circle as well."

"I do. But what does that have to do with Horatio?"

"Because, the man's the most closed off individual I've ever seen. I know personal lives are none of my business, but...everyone needs balance. To be that closed off...that strikes me as obsessive, and _that_ is a potential danger to the office. Everyone knows people with obsessions can get violent, and may resort to extreme behaviors. If Horatio's like that, it needs to be dealt with." Stetler stared at both of them, daring them to challenge him.

"So you were trying to get something on him." Eric's jaw tightened.

Rick huffed in exasperation. "No. I am not trying to blackmail him. I just wanna know what the hell he's doing, make sure he's still in control. Honestly, Delko, I didn't intend to follow him this far, and I swear, I didn't go any further than the door." He looked up. "I was just about to leave when you came."

"Why'd you enter, if you didn't intend to spy on him?" Calliegh frowned.

"Because...this is at least the eighth time he's come here right after shift in the past two months. And it's always after a bad case, or an officer involved shooting. Something's going on here, and it concerns me." Stetler sighed.

"It concerns you. And I suppose that was why you pulled his New York file too." Eric didn't look inclined to let the IAB agent off the hook.

Rick sighed again. "I pulled his New York file because I received word that the New York Department of Justice had pulled him in on an old case. I wanted to know what the hell was going on." he saw the glance the other two shared, and his eyebrow went up again. "He never told you."

"It wasn't any of our business. No more than it was yours." Eric shot the other man a glare.

"Hey." Rick held up his hands. "I'm just doing my job. And you might not believe this, but I don't intend to go after Horatio. I just want to make sure everything's okay. If the man has a problem, then he really needs to see someone about it."

"That's not your call to make." Eric was still scowling. He stood a moment, then looked at Calliegh. "I think one of us should stay with Stetler, and one of us should go get H. These two need to have a talk. You want to go in or stay here?"

"I'll go find Horatio. Just don't break anything on him while I'm gone, okay?" Calliegh smiled tightly. Eric nodded, his dark eyes still stormy. Calliegh turned, then stepped into the church.

There was no sign of Horatio anywhere immediately visible. Calliegh sighed. She wasn't really surprised. If he'd been anywhere within sight, then he probably would have been in position to hear the scuffle and the slamming of the door. Not that he couldn't have been lost in thought and ignoring it, but she doubted it. She took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of dust and wood cleaner and burning candles, then strode forward, looking for her boss.

He wasn't in any of the pews. Not sitting, nor kneeling. It actually surprised her that there was room to kneel between the benches, but then the thought vanished from her mind. She half expected him to be standing in a shadowed corner somewhere, just staring at the altar or the stained glass, but she didn't see him there either. She frowned, then started toward the area beyond the altar. There looked to be a small booth there, maybe a quiet place to pray, and beyond that, the doors to the pastor's office. She recalled Eric's mention of Horatio's search for help and counseling outside the department, and wondered if he'd come to seek the advice of a priest. It seemed odd, but entirely within his character. Certainly, priests were more confidential than department counselors.

She was just rounding the altar, and starting toward the back doors when she heard a soft, almost inaudible creak, and the tap of wood on wood. A man's voice, deep and unfamiliar, spoke. "Horatio? Here again?"

"Yes Father." Calliegh froze, hearing his voice. He was in the booth. But what caught her off guard wasn't his location, but the tone in which he spoke. Gone were the assured tones of the lieutenant she'd followed at work. His voice was rough, ragged, full of pain and anguish almost beyond bearing.

The other man spoke again, his voice soft. "So, have you come to confess a new sin?"

Horatio spoke again, and there was no mistaking the torment in that voice. "No, Father. Same one." The voice dropped, but it was still all too audible. "Always the same one."

Calliegh suddenly remembered the Catholic practice of confession. She'd never been an ardent supporter of the church, though she considered herself a Christian. She wasn't Catholic, but she knew what confession was, what it meant. Her stomach knotted.

Confession. The admission of all one's mistakes, the worst parts of yourself. At least, if you were serious about it. And Horatio, she knew, wasn't the type who would have come to church at all if he wasn't committed. And if this was his confession...she swallowed. She wanted to back away, but the boards under her feet would give her away. Horatio had excellent hearing, and she had no doubt he'd hear her footsteps if she tried to walk back. Plus, trying to move quietly, she was far more likely to run into something. That would certainly get his attention. He'd probably not noticed her because of the arrival of the priest. She thought of calling out, warning him of her presence, but everything she'd heard indicated that this was a deeply personal thing, incredibly important. And she knew how he'd been feeling earlier that day. Chances were that if she interrupted him, he'd leave and carry the burden with him. She didn't want to cause him more pain, or give him reason to carry the emotional burden any longer than he had to. She swallowed again, then settled into stillness, praying she'd not hear anything too personal.

"Again, Horatio? Are you still so angry?" The voice was chiding, but more concerned than anything else.

"I...Father...I keep going over it. A thousand times...and there is nothing I could have done." There was a pause, a catch in his voice. "I...killed a man today, Father. He was going to kill one of my people, a man like a brother to me. And I...shot him." There was a catch in the words, and a terrible hesitancy in the way he spoke, that made Calliegh's throat close, and tears threaten her eyes.

"Horatio...you know there is no sin in protecting your own. God will forgive you that."

"That...is not the sin I meant, Father." His voice was ragged, harsh, tortured.

"You were angry again? Horatio..." Definite concern in the voice. "Horatio...you must not..."

"I know, Father. But each time...I cannot take a life without anger. And with it...Father...I..." He broke off, strain in his voice. "Each time...I..." He stopped, then spoke again. He'd regained a fraction of his control, but his voice was still far too rough and broken for Calliegh's liking. "Father...I am...confused. Without my anger, I cannot protect them. And still..."

"Horatio, I can only tell you what you've been told before. God judges you on your intent. Not the lives you take, but also the ones you put right. You know that." The voice was gentle, as if the priest offered a tentative comfort, while knowing it was unlikely to be accepted.

"I know...what my penance is." Horatio's voice rasped on the words, and Calliegh swallowed back tears at the implications.

"Then why are you here again?"

"How many times must this cycle repeat, Father? I need you...to tell me..." The words broke off. "I..."

"I wish I could tell you, my son. But this...this is between you and God, Horatio. I can give you no other reassurance than that." There was sadness in the priests voice now as well.

"The cardinal...said I would know. But Father...all I see is the darkness, and the blood on my hands."

"Blood can be washed away, as you know. There's still hope, Horatio. You are a light to many people, my son. Perhaps it's simply time you searched for a light of your own." The voice became softer. "I'm sure, if that's what you need, God will provide it for you. Perhaps, he already has." Compassion, and reassurance.

"Father, I...I don't know."

"I know, Horatio. But God reveals things in his own time. Until then..."

"I know, Father. I know." Horatio's voice was still rough with pain, but there was some strength to it. The tortured agony had been reduced, as if the priests words had brought a small measure of comfort to the man he counseled.

"Pray with me." The priest spoke softly, then began a litany that Calliegh vaguely recognized. Horatio followed along, his voice still raw with emotion, but stronger. Finally, they reached the end, saying "Amen" in unison. Then the priest spoke again. "Is there anything else I can do for you, my son?"

"Just a few minutes alone, Father." Horatio's voice was soft.

"Take all the time you need. If you need anything further, you know where to find me." The words were gentle.

"I do." There was a snick of wood on wood, as if a door had closed. A few minutes later, she heard a slight creaking, as if someone were leaving. The priest, going back to his offices, she guessed, though she was at the wrong angle to see. She stayed where she was.

Minutes passed, then there was another creaking noise, of someone moving. Seconds later, a door in the side of the booth opened, and Horatio emerged. Calliegh winced internally. His face was pale, and his eyes were filled with both exhaustion and pain. The tension he'd exhibited in the parking lot had diminished, but she had little doubt that this was the face he worked so hard to keep hidden.

Horatio shut the door, looked up at the statue of Christ, and behind it, the stained glass window. He stood for a long moment, then turned, and his eyes met Calliegh's. Calliegh swallowed hard. "Horatio."

"Calliegh..." He looked startled, and she could almost see him trying to regain his composure. Then he took a few steps forward, closer to her. "What are you doing here?"

There was nothing for it but to tell the truth, and hope it distracted him. Calliegh sighed. "Eric and I spotted Stetler following you when you left work today. We were concerned, so we followed to warn you. Eric's still got him outside. I came in to tell you we were here."

One eyebrow rose, an expression she knew well. "I see." With those two words, she _saw_ him pull the air of Miami's lieutenant around him. The vulnerable man who had just given his confession vanished into the CSI. The pain slipped from his eyes, and his expression converted into that quizzical look she knew so well. "In that case...let's go have a talk with Rick." He turned, and headed for the doors to the church.

Calliegh followed him outside. Stetler and Eric were both standing on the steps. Eric still looked ready to punch the older man if he moved. Stetler was fidgeting, his hands in his pockets. Both men looked up when Horatio emerged into the sunlight.

The red-haired CSI favored them both with a tight smile. "Eric. Rick." He gave his CSI a nod, and Eric stepped out of his way, so he could move closer to the IAB agent. "Rick, I understand you've been following me."

"It wasn't anything personal." Rick shifted uncomfortably.

"On the contrary, you...are invading my privacy, and you're upsetting my CSI's. That...is extremely personal." Horatio looked up, meeting the other man's gaze. "What do you want, Rick?"

"I want to know what the hell you're doing. Horatio, you got no life outside the office. That isn't healthy. You know people could claim you're obsessed with the job. And you've seen how dangerous an obsession can be."

Another tight smile flickered across Horatio's face. "I'm good at my job Rick. And what I do outside of it is no one else's business."

"I'm just concerned. Look, you may not like it that I followed you, but your behavior's been damned weird. I mean, how many times have you been here this past month, huh? If it were Sunday services, I'd get it, but there's no car in the parking lot besides yours."

"That is my concern. However, if you must know, I was consulting with my pastor."

"Yeah?" Rick looked at him. "What about?"

"Again...that's my concern, not yours." Horatio met his eyes.

Stetler sighed. "I'm just concerned. You've been under a lot of stress lately, and even I can tell you're wound up tighter than a spring." There was actual concern in his eyes. "Look, you need to talk to someone."

"I came out fine on my psych eval, as you know, so I don't think it's anything you need to worry about." Horatio met his eyes, but there was tension in the set of his shoulders. "We've discussed all this before Rick."

Stetler snorted. "Please. You've been an officer for what, 10 years? 15? You could probably run the exam yourself, let alone pass it. And you've got one of the best poker faces in the damn department. The fact that you came clean on the psych eval doesn't mean much. You and I both know it wouldn't be the first time an officer got through the evaluation and then came up in trouble."

"Be that as it may...how I conduct my affairs are none of your concern. And I assure you, I am managing just fine, so unless there's something in specific...I'd like you to keep your nose out of my private life. Otherwise..."

"Otherwise what?" Rick's stare was challenging. "You'll hit me? Report me?"

"That...is exactly what I'll do." Another tight, almost predatory grin flicked across Horatio's face. "You may be right in claiming that my behavior could be seen as obsessive, but so could tailing me after hours." Blue eyes met brown ones, and his voice dropped a notch. "I catch you following me again Rick, without a more specific reason, and I'm taking you in front of the department for invasion of privacy and stalking."

"You're serious?" Rick raised an eyebrow. "Look, Horatio, all I'm doing is trying to look out for you, and your damn department. I'm not after you."

"There's always a first time." Horatio's smile twitched.

Stetler shrugged, and Calliegh knew from the look on his face that he was aware he'd lost the argument. Still, the IAB agent wasn't giving up so easily. "Look, Horatio, we need to discuss this."

"No, we don't." Horatio shook his head.

"Fine." Rick held up his hands. "Let's make a deal, okay? Let me buy you a cup of coffee, as an apology, and you answer a couple questions for me. In return, I'll tell you why I'm being such a tight-ass about this. Then I'll give you everything I've looked into, and we'll call it quits. Okay?"

"What questions?" Horatio tilted his head.

"Madison, Raymond and Speed. And what the hell happened in New York." Rick's voice was quiet.

Calliegh saw something twist across Horatio's face for a moment. "We already discussed New York."

"I know. But...they're getting real uptight up there. I've fielded a few more calls since you came back." Stetler shifted. "You asked me if I knew why they were getting on your case. Well, I don't, and I can't figure it out if you don't give me a little more to work with. And if I don't know what the hell is wrong, I can't protect your interest or the departments." He paused. "So...coffee tomorrow?"

Horatio stood silent for a moment. Then, he gave the other man just the barest of nods. "Coffee, tomorrow. Seven-thirty."

"Right." Rick shifted his weight again, his gaze flicking to Calliegh and Eric. "I'll let you talk to your CSI's then." Without another word, he turned and strode across the parking lot. The other three officers watched as he went to his car, their gazes following him until his vehicle turned out of the parking lot.

Eric broke the silence first. "That guy is a pain." His gaze shifted to the red-haired man standing beside him. "H, you don't have to do this. Whatever is going on, it's none of his business."

"Most of it isn't his business. But he's right, I did ask him to look into a few things for me." Horatio glanced down at his hands, then up at Eric. "It's all right, Eric." He looked away, then back. "You were...watching out for me."

"Yeah." Eric shifted, discomfort on his face. "H...I want you to know. When I was keeping tabs on Stetler, I saw some of the files he accessed. I swear, I didn't read them, but..."

"I understand." Horatio nodded, turned his gaze to the lowering sun. "You should go and get some rest." He paused. "And Eric..." His gaze met his younger associates. "Thank you."

"You'd do the same for me." Eric smiled, and Horatio returned it. Then he turned back to his car. "If there's nothing else, I should probably take Calliegh back to pick up her car."

"Actually..." There was a note of hesitation in Horatio's voice. His gaze flicked to Calliegh. "Could I have a minute?"

She had a feeling she knew what he wanted. She nodded. "Of course." Her gaze went to Eric. "Tell you what. Eric, why don't you go ahead and go on home, and I'll make Horatio take me back." She grinned at her colleague.

"H?" Eric gave Horatio a questioning glance. Horatio nodded slightly. "Okay, then I'll see the two of you at work." He gave them both one last look, then a small wave. "Later guys." Then he turned. A minute later, his car roared to life, then left.

Horatio stood silent on the steps of the church. Calliegh waited, letting him take his time. Finally, he exhaled slightly, and spoke. "When you...came inside...how long were you there?"

Calliegh hesitated. She knew what he was really trying to ask. What he really wanted to know was whether or not she'd heard anything, and how much. She thought of pretending she hadn't, but she knew he'd sense the lie. Besides, she'd never in their 10-year association lied to him, and she didn't want to start now. She knew from experience with her father that it was best to simply clear the air between them. She sighed. "I arrived about the same time the priest did, actually."

Horatio's breathing changed slightly, and she knew he'd read the double meaning to her words. He stood for a moment, looking over the cemetery, then his gaze came back to her, and the mask of the self-assured lieutenant dropped away. "Then...you heard everything."

"I did." She moved a step closer, to touch his arm gently. "Horatio...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry. Please understand that. I was looking for you, and I didn't realize what was going on until I heard you speak. I would have left, but I thought you'd hear me."

A small smile touched his face. "Those stairs do creak quite a bit." He looked away, and the smile vanished. "Why...didn't you call for me?"

"Because, I knew if I interrupted you, you'd probably just go home after you talked to Stetler. And I figured, if it was important enough to come all the way out here, right after work, then you were probably pretty upset. If this is something that makes you feel better, I didn't want to stop it."

"I see." Horatio looked away again, shifting in a way she knew meant he was uncomfortable. He glanced down at his hands, fiddling with his glasses. Calliegh followed his gaze, and frowned. There on the back of one hand was a darker stain. She reached out and took his hand, aware of the way he stiffened. Blood formed an irregular pattern across his fingers and the back and palm of his hand. "Horatio..."

"It isn't mine." His words were soft.

She looked up, still holding his hand. Blue eyes met hers, pain and consternation in them. For a moment, she wondered what was going on, and then her mind made the connection. "The man you shot today."

"Yes." He didn't volunteer anything further, but he didn't pull away either.

"Of course. Blood on your hands. Horatio, is that what's bothering you?" Calliegh tightened her grip. "You know...you didn't do anything wrong. I saw Eric's report. If you hadn't fired your weapon, he might have died."

"I know. That...isn't the problem, exactly. As you heard." He held her gaze.

She'd wondered if he'd speak to her on the matter, or pretend it hadn't happened. In a way, it was a relief they could both acknowledge the incident and talk through it. But she could see the embarrassment it was causing him, and she wished she could pretend to have not heard it. Still, he seemed to be waiting for something. She kept her voice soft, neutral. "Do you want to tell me?"

He seemed to be struggling with himself for a moment. Then, hesitantly, words emerged from his lips. "I...years ago...in an attempt to save someone close to me...I...killed a man. That death...was declared self-defense and accidental homicide. However..."

"You aren't sure. Why?" Calliegh spoke softly.

He looked away. "Because the last thing I remember...is the rage." His eyes came back to her. "Do you understand?"

"You're afraid you actually meant to kill him." she kept her tone as neutral as possible.

"I know...I wanted to." He looked away.

Calliegh fit a few more pieces into the puzzle. "And today...when that man pointed his gun at Eric...you got angry, and you wanted to kill him to protect Eric, right?"

"I did."

"And that's what really bothers you. That you're afraid that you want to kill people, and that's what you were talking to the priest about?"

"It is."

She held his hand, standing in silence for a moment. "You know, I hadn't intended to ask you but...you said...that you knew what your penance was. Is that why you became a cop?"

"It isn't the only reason but...it is...a very large part of it." The words came slow, as if he were reluctant to speak them.

"So...you protect people, which means sometimes, a criminal threatens them, and you have to shoot to kill. But you only kill when you get really angry, and it's in the defense of a human life. But it bothers you, and you feel you have to atone for it by saving other people." She felt him flinch at her analytical tone, but she knew that he'd hear any other tone as pity or condemnation.

"That is...an oversimplification. But yes...something...something like that."

She felt his hand twitch in hers, as if he wanted to draw away, and she gave the fingers a reassuring squeeze. He subsided, but she could feel the tension in him. After a moment, she realized he was waiting for something. For her judgment of him.

She hesitated a moment, getting her thoughts in order, then spoke slowly. "You know...I can sort of understand where you might be coming from. But honestly, I don't think you've done anything wrong, today or any other day."

"Calliegh..." She heard the pain in his voice and turned to face him, to find herself looking into pained blue eyes. And she understood. She held up her hand, covering his mouth before he could speak.

"Look. I was raised a Christian too, so I know why you feel it's wrong to take a life in anger. But honestly, I usually have to get angry to fire too. And I'd rather know you fired in anger than without any feeling at all. I mean, at least there is a reason. And the fact that you care enough to get angry...that's important, Horatio. That means you have a very good heart. And if the priest is correct, then I think that counts for something, right?" She smiled at him, then caressed the blood-stained hand with her own fingers. "You know, what worries me isn't what you did, it's the fact that it hurts you so much to have to do it. I don't want to put you in that position, and I think if the others knew, they'd feel the same way. But you should know...none of us will _ever_ condemn you for being angry when you fire. It's a natural reaction."

"It's still a concern." He looked away.

"I know. And that...well, I don't like putting you in this position, but still...if it bothers you this much, then that means you're still a good person." She squeezed his hand. "Please, I know this probably sounds like I'm just trying to make you feel better, but I mean it."

"I know you do. But still...someday...what if I don't regret it?" He met her eyes again, and she realized that this was the thing that really terrified him. That drove him to confessional.

She held his gaze. "You mean if you ever become like the guys we take off the streets." He nodded, just a small one, but she saw it. "Well, in that case, if that ever happens, you have my solemn promise that I will arrest you myself, and call Stetler." She hated to promise him that, she didn't want to do anything of the sort. But it was the reassurance he needed. She gave him a small smile. "I'll even promise to shoot you if you resist, if it makes you feel better."

He smiled, and a small chuckle slipped past his throat. His hand in hers finally relaxed. "You know what? It does." He laughed again, and she joined him. Then he glanced at the setting sun. "I should probably get you back. I'm sure you have things you want to do."

"I do. But I don't mind." She flashed him a bright smile. He returned it, and the two of them walked to the car.

Minutes later, they pulled back into the police parking lot. Horatio pulled up right next to her car, then offered her a small smile. "Here we go."

"Yep. Thanks for the ride." she glanced down, at the still bloodstained hand. "Before you go, could you step out of the car for a second?"

"Of course." He shut off the engine, and came around the car to stand beside her. "What do you need?"

"It'll just take a second." She unlocked the car, fishing around for the water bottle she'd left inside. She kept one there in case there was a mess she needed to clean up, as well as a small towel. She found both, then straightened. "Here we go."

She took his hand gently, then poured part of the contents of the water bottle over it. She felt him tense, and gave him a quick smile. Then she took the towel and rubbed his hand dry, washing away the blood and leaving his hands clean. "There. All better."

He blinked at her. "Calliegh..."

"You don't need to walk around with blood on your hands, Horatio. Not for something like today." She set the bottle aside. "I know you aren't going to stop being a CSI, and I know you're probably not going to stop feeling guilty about days like today. So...I want you to promise me, when you need to talk, you'll come to one of us. Don't keep it all bottled up, okay?"

"I'm...not sure." She saw him swallow. "I...sometimes..."

"It's okay. I understand." She gave him a reassuring smile. "Just remember, I'm here if you need me. Even if it's just for a quick clean-up." She let the smile widen, and waved the water bottle at him.

"I will." he nodded, and she saw the smile she knew touch his features, relaxing them and wiping away the strain of the past few hours. Then he looked away self-consciously for a moment. When he turned back, amusement had been replaced by gratitude. "Thank you."

"Anytime." She gave him another smile. "Now, let's both go home and get some rest, shall we?"

He nodded, and held her door open for her like the gentleman he was. Calliegh took her seat, watched as he shut the door and stepped around to his own car. She heard the engine rev back to life, fired up her own, then waved him out, watching as he pulled out and drove toward the exit. Her mind replayed his confession, and the conversation they'd just had, coming to a conclusion.

She couldn't save Horatio from guilt. It was a part of who he was, of the man that made such an excellent police officer. But...she would do her best to ease the burden for him. She recalled the priests words, about the light Horatio needed. A smile touched her face. It didn't matter whether he recognized it or not. As long as he needed, she would be there for him. His light in the darkness. And hopefully, it would be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Watching the beginning of Season 4 and this little 'what if' popped into my head. What if someone overheard Horatio giving confession? And it went from there.


End file.
